I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
3pm strippers are depressing
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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