my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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