i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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