The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
