I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
