i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize