As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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