I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
