God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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