OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
