Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
