i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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