Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize