Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
