There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
