I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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