I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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