So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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