Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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