went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
