Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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