Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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