sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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