My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
