Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
