I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
