The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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