hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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