dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
