I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
