Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
