your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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