I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
