Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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