I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
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