I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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