It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
