she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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