Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
