the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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