I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
