It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
