I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
