piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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