Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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