She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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