i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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