1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm getting married
To pizza
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
