I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
