well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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