i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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