ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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