apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
