I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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