tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
