look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
