so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
