My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
