Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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