Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
im on a boat
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