I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
