He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize