A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
